... IT ISN'T A DILEMMA

Sometimes people make you think what you are going through is just a dilemma.
different looks,
different touches,
different words,
and different people, just 2 different souls...

I can see who tries his best to make me happier,
I can seee which one is closer to who I am,
I can see who seems to value me more...

Everytime when the one I have opened my heart to seems to give me pain, it's him I talk to, it is him who calls me up, it is him who appears beside me... The one who tries his best to make me happier, the one who is really similar to me, the one who really values me...
Honestly, it makes me think.
It makes me think about if I should listen to my heart or my mind.
It never makes me think about who is the one I wanna be with.

Because I can also see that who is the one that makes me have butterflies on my stomach,
Because I can see whom I can't let a day pass without thinking about,
Because I can see who kills me with his touch,
Because I can see whose eyes I lose myself inside,
Because I can see who I am in love with it.

No, people are wrong. It is not a dilemma.
It is all about me, all about me being scared of my heart.

...to the girl that will replace me

The first thing I really want to tell you is you should enjoy "his looks" :) I know it maybe sounds funny or it might sound like a part from a script but "he really has looks that no one else in this world has". It's not easy to tell. However, if you're in love with him then you will know what I mean, you will know what I feel when he looks you in the eye, when you realize the love you have for him in his eyes. Because whenever I feel like I do not love him anymore or let's say whenever I convinced myself that I do not love him at all, I see his looks, the looks that always have been an obstacle for me to walk away. But come on, it isn't that bad, it must be a great feeling to be looked in the eye by him when you have a possible a short-long future plans. I don't have... or let's say it isn't possible for me to have dreams with him since he'll be gone tomorrow, however I feel lucky to have some time with him. Well, I could write a whole pharagraph about his eyes, but it's enough I think:)
Okay, he might not be an easy person to be with. But if you know the real him, it will be easier than you guess. I have always believed that I knew him, but things were hard for me because of the distance. Things would be much better,if we lived closer or let's say if we lived somewhere where his family lives. I hope you find out him in his home town:) I am telling this, because he is happy for real when he is around his family, when he is home. Yeah, you might ask that how I know this since I have never seen him with his family. Yet, I have seen the smile he has for many times when he talks to someone from his family or when he hears good news from them. You will not believe me, but if there was a chance for him to leave my country now, I would tell him to go. Don't think that I do not love him. I love him. That's why I would like him to be home now, where he would be extremely happy.
One more thing about him is that he doesn't always trust people or maybe he never does... I even could not figure it out yet. Hopefully, someday I will:) Let me give you some secrets..: I have never thought of being with someone else at the times I have been with him, I have not let anyone kiss me as long as I have been with him, no other hand has hold mine as long as I have been with him, I have never wished someone else to be beside me, but only him. He has been the only one for me, since the day he kissed me which was actually my first kiss(: But if you ask if he trusts me or not, I do not know. I'm not sure if he really trusts me... Again, shame on the distance? Maybe... People around me are shocked when they see I feel like he doesn't trust me, it's maybe because of they know better than him that how I have been loyal to him. Neverthless, never listen to what other tells you, listen to your heart... But I hope you'll have his trust or at least I hope you will feel his trust, because I really would like to feel so.
It has been kinda long to read I guess. He also feels stressed when he reads things I write for him thinking he has to write a long reply to me too:) lol... However I never wait for a reply from him, it is just I feel fine when I write for him, when I think of him. Eventhough I am writing all these thinking of his next girl friend -you-, I do not feel bad at all. Because since the beginning, I knew there is going to be an end and I am not jealous of you at all, too. It's something else, I do not know how to define, but I want him to smile, him to be fine whoever he is with(:
If you really love him, you will ignore the no-good things in him and you will see all the good things he has, then you will realize how a great person he is! I hope you will meet him in the right place and at the right time. I wished it had happened to me. He is the first one I loved, I do not know if I will ever love someone else like this or more than this but I will be remembering him till the day I die, I will always wish him to be happier than ever. So, please do not break my first love's heart. He might have broken some hearts, like each of us has done. But I know his heart is fragile. You have to know he has seen a lot of good and bad things since he was a young guy and he has to have a happy-peaceful life. Love him with all of your heart, hold him tight, never let him go. I promise you have an amazing-sweet guy, if you just succed to see the real him. Ohh one more thing, try to take him to an island for a holiday or for a place to live, he loves the sea... :)

HAVE NO REGRETS BEHIND...

I guess there will always events that will screw things up in our lives. And at these times it's usually just so easy to be in the dismals; on the other hand it makes life black and full of clouds. Well, to be honest I also have had those times for many times, they were the times when I have chosen the easier way. What about the harder way? To be able to smile against all the problems, still to be able to move on, still to have dreams and the most important thing is still to have faith... People around us sometimes might be disappeared, but if we still can see even only one person beside us to stand by us, to catch us when we are about to fall, to be the shoulder for us to cry on; we can't be more affluent.
Life is hard, complicated, mysterious. However, does it still worth living it with every second? According to what i have gone thorugh till today, I can say -yes, it does. I have heard someone speacial telling me "the sun will always shine after the darkness; somehow, sometime..." Why don't we just believe in it? Wouldn't it make things easier for us? Maybe the thing is we usually choose the easy way, to be in the dismals instead of being strong.
And life is definitely based on love. It's always more beatiful and meaningful with the one who we are in love with, with the ones we love; like our buddies, families etc. isn't it? Love sometimes brings disappointment which is one of the worst feelings ever. If you are bold enough to love, you probably taste the feelings you have never felt before. And as I said even it sometimes brings disappointments, sadness or tears; it worths loving. And people who aren't bold enough to love, people who are scared of trusting, people who are afraid of doing something for love... for me they are forever condemned to be lonely inside, till the day they notice what they have missed in the past. Fake smiles, imitated kisses nor shifty words... They never replace the real emotions, they never mean more than "living a lie". The ones who believe in the beauty of life, reality of love are at last more experienced on life, satisfied with life and peaceful. The tears they have poured, the heartbreaks they have had will be useful to be experienced in life, will help to find out the reality, will bring them to the time when they are "on cloud nine" as long as they don't break any hearts on purpose. Because loved hearts are fragile even with a look, a word, an action... Because "it takes a thought to make a word and it takes a word to make an action..."
Someone who always helps me out to be bouncy told me these words of William Shakespeare: "LOVE ALL. TRUST A FEW. DO WRONG TO NONE."...
Do wrong to none, because it'll at last come back to you one day.
Trust a few, because it'll help you to have less heartbreaks, to feel more safe.
Love all -without waiting any return-, because sooner or later it'll return you one day.
And as my last words; I wanna say that I believe that everybody deserves to know that they're loved. The one who is left isn't the one who loses. Let people leave, if the love they talk about is real, they are certainly going to come back soon. If not, let them walk away with no regrets behind...

(March 2,09)

ABOUT ME

I am just one of the people who live on this earth.

only one soul that flies around...

only one heart that beats....

That isn't all.

I am just a young person who runs away after her dreams,

I am just a student who can't wait for holidays,

I am just a sister who likes fighting with her brother,

I am just a daughter who enjoys mommy-time,

I am just a girl who loves love,

But that isn't all.

"I am me"

I am not you, I am not her, I am me... I don't find it necessary to write about who I am, how old I am, what do I like/dislike. As time goes by, I mostly wanna write about my opinions on life, about my memories, my important and special moments that change my mind and life.

I just wanna say that writing is one of my passions. It is my first writing on this blog site. However, there will be writings that will tell me more after some time. For now, I just wanna tell that I love life, I value the every second I am given, I am optimistic enough to be able to smile at the hardest parts of my life(:

And I feel I'm unique, like some of the people. Because;

"The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique."